Child Abuse and Neglect

• Overview of Children Living with Violence
• Typical Children's Responses to Abuse
• Children's Rights
• Escape Plan for Children

Overview of Children Living with Violence

Domestic violence may be kept from relatives, neighbors, clergy, or others, but children living with violence know what is happening.

In Ann Jones and Susan Schechter's 1993 book, When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right, one woman tells her story:

Glenn never started in on me until after I put Elaine to bed. I thought she never knew. Then one morning—she must have been six or seven—she looked up at me from the breakfast table and asked, "Did Daddy kill you this time?" I stood right there and watched my own denial system crumble. I always thought, "He's good to her. She needs him. I'm staying for her." But it was a lot more complicated and terrifying for her then I had seen. (p.248)

A home that is characterized by physical, emotional, sexual, or property abuse is frightening, debilitating and unhealthy place. Children who live in such a home are often not able to be children. Psychologist Ruth Olsen says all children are affected. The signs may be different based on how children interpret the experience of witnessing the violence.

Some factors that may determine how children will be affected are: how they have learned to cope and survive with the stress of living in a violent home; to what extent they have supports and to what extent they use supports, like friends, relatives or other adults. Each of these factors influences how deeply the violence will affect children. As you read this list you may confront some feelings of guilt. Just remember that you can do something beneficial for your children and their future.

Children may have some or all of these feelings:

• Guilt—feeling responsible for the violence
• Shame—something's wrong with my family
• Fear—of expressing feelings, of divorce or separation, of the unknown, of injury
• Anger—about the violence or the chaos in their life
• Depressed/Helpless/Powerless—unable to change things
• Burdened—may feel like a substitute parent or caretaker of family

Children may express these feelings by behaving in some or all of these ways:

• May act out against others or they may withdraw from others
• May become over achievers, acting like small adults
• May have difficulty paying attention and concentrating
• May become caretakers, worrying about the needs of others more than themselves
• May be too aggressive or too passive
• May be rigid, sarcastic, blaming or defensive
• May have sleeplessness, fears of going to sleep, nightmares, dreams of danger
• May experience bed-wetting, eating problems, or medical problems like asthma or ulcers
• May be without friends, or friendships may start intensely then end abruptly
• May be uncomfortable bringing friends home to play
• May have difficulty trusting others (likely due to abuser's false promises to change)
• May be excessively social in an attempt to stay away from home
• May be passive with others or may seek power as a bully or aggressor
• May believe it's okay to hit others you care about in order to get what you want, express anger, feel powerful, or get your needs met
• May have a low self-concept or self-esteem
• May not ask for what they need
• May think that feeling angry is bad because people get hurt
• May define the roles of man/woman/parent according to what they see in their own family

Although it may be difficult to talk to your children about it, tell them the truth about the abuse.

Allow your children to talk freely about their feelings. Answer their questions honestly but in a way that is appropriate for their ages. Let your children know that the abuser's behavior is not acceptable, but it is okay to love or miss the abuser, too. Acknowledge the loss they may be feeling. Do not discuss with others the specifics of the situation or your feelings about your partner in front of your children—have adult discussions with adults. It is ok to cry in front of your children. This lets them know that their feelings are normal, and it gives them permission to express their own feelings.

There are things that you can do to protect your children. Talk about when the violence is most likely to occur. Depending on your situation, you may have to tell your children there is a possibility that the abusive person may not be a part of their lives any longer. You may have to say, "If this person can't get help and learn a new way to behave, we may have to live without this person because that's the only way to keep ourselves safe."

Set boundaries with your children. They need to know that they are not the cause of the violence, and they cannot control or stop what is happening. Tell them what they can do to safely help you.

Be prepared with a plan. Here are some suggestions that you may use to plan with your children:

• Teach your children their area code, phone number, and address.
• Prepare yourself and your children for the possibility of leaving to find a safe place if you are in danger.
• Find a neighbor that the children can run to; if no neighbor is available, children can plan to sit in the car during violent episodes.
• Teach your children to call 911 or 0; tell them to call 911 or 0 once they have reached safety (either a safe room in the house or a safe place outside the house).
• If your child is a teen and can drive, keep an extra set of keys so he or she can drive to safety and get help.

An example of a child's escape plan for you to use with your children follows this piece. It can help you talk about the abuse with your children and make a plan with them. If you have teens in the house, you may need a different approach to protect them. Teens are old enough to start fighting back, and this puts them at a greater risk. No matter how independent they seem, they need your help to sort it all out. Talk with your teen, keep the lines of communication open.

Here are some resources that may be helpful to you as you discuss your situation with your children and plan for their safety:

Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, by Phyllis Chesler

Something Is Wrong At My House, by Diane Davis

When Mommy Got Hurt, A Story for Young Children about Domestic Violence, by Ilene Lee and Kathy Sylvester

A Manual on Non Violence and Children, by Kathy Judnon

Something Happened At My House and I'm Scared To Tell, by Patricia Kehow, Ph.D.

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Typical Children's Responses to Abuse

Children's Typical Responses To Domestic Violence Listed by Age Group

Under 2 years

• Respond to loud noises, etc. with increased fear (crying, "startle reflex")
• Developmental delays (slower to walk, talk, etc.)
• Nightmares and sleep disturbances

2 – 5 Years

• Regressive behavior (loses toilet training, uses baby talk, wants bottle/pacifier, etc.)
• Somatic problems (stomach aches, pains, etc. that have no apparent cause)
• Nightmares and sleep disturbances
• Hypervigilance and "clingy" behavior
• Repetitive play which acts out the domestic violence
• Increased sibling violence
• Cruelty to animals
• Developmental delays (slow to learn colors, ABC's etc.)
• Decreased playfulness and spontaneous behavior
• Feel responsibility for violence in family (if they behaved better, it would not occur)
• Increased dependence on primary care giver (usually the non-abusive parent)

6 – 12 Years

• Increased problems at school
• Increased acting out and behavior problems (lying, aggression, stealing, truancy, etc.)
• May be labeled as having attention problems or learning disabilities
• May withdraw and become reclusive rather than acting out
• May take on role of "family hero" or caregiver
• Increased anger at victim of violence (it is unsafe to direct anger at abuser)
• Develop inflated sense of responsibility (become a "little adult")
• May learn to disrespect victim of violence because abuser models/encourages that behavior
• Confuse love and violence (learn that people hit those they love)
• Develop emotional problems such as depression

12 –18 Years

• Aggressive behavior (belief that violence can solve problems and be used to control others)
• Severe behavior and emotional problems (running away, theft, depression, anxiety)
• Develops rigid sex roles (beliefs about what behaviors are permissible for each gender)
• Increased incidence of dating violence (either being violent or being the victim of violence)
• Self-destructive behavior (use of drugs/alcohol, eating disorders, promiscuity, etc.)
• Increased risk for early marriage and/or teen pregnancy (as escape from parents)
• Increased risk of suicide and homicide (killing of abuser)
• Develop poor boundaries (too closed off or too open)
• Develop distrust for most authority figures (or all adults)

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Children’s Rights

1. Children have the right to be free from violence, including spanking, and all forms of abuse and coercive control, including rejection.
2. Children have the right to be treated with respect for their personhood, including protection from patronizing language and verbal threats.
3. Children have a right to be treated with respect for their individual autonomy, including the right to confidentiality and recognition of personal boundaries.
4. Children have the right to honesty in communication in age and developmentally appropriate terms.
5. Children have the right to expression of their feelings without judgment about the content or method of their expression and the right to education about appropriate ways to express feelings.
6. Children have the right to participate in the planning and their involvement in the services provided to them including the right to information, options, and support in making decisions.
7. Children have the right to be seen as persons with many needs including needs of love and nurturing, spiritual, cultural, physical, nutritional, intellectual, healthy sexual development, entertainment and fun, sharing and community, stability and structure, consistency and limitations, and contribution and challenges.
8. Children have the right to access to quality services including education, mental health, substance abuse, health, legal, and recreational.
9. Children have the right to be treated as primary clients with their own space and ability to access staff time and attention.
10. Children have the right to be educated, informed and aware of their rights.

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Escape Plan for Children

You have the right to feel safe. Home can sometimes be a place that is not safe because someone is using their body and/or words to hurt the people in your home. This is a safety plan for you to follow when someone in your home becomes violent, and you feel scared.

My Escape Plan

• I will know how to call 911 or 0 for help.
• I can tell a family member or a friend.
• I can talk with my school teacher or counselor.
• I can save money for a phone call at a pay phone.
• If I have a house key, I will keep it in a safe place.
• I will keep a few of my favorite things together in case we have to leave suddenly.

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